I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
