Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
