I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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