Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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