I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
