At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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