Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
