We named our party play list daddy issues
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
