Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
