Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
