I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
