Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
