Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
