My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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