I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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