Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
