I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
