I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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