I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
