Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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