how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
