I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
