Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
