it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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