I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
