took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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