Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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