Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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