She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
