Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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