I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
