ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
