i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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