I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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