at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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