I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
