Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
