Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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