me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
