im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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