All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
