Me. At least after what I've been through.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
