I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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