Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
