just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
