i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
