That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
