Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
