my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
