i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
